Over more than 3 decades of life lived so far, I have found love many a times and each time it felt, it was enough. Loving someone gives so much of courage that we tend to give ourselves to the other person with faith and belief. Its just so amazing to associate with someone with all our heart. I have felt butterflies in the stomach, violin playing moment, guitar sound in the background, blissful breeze, closeness & long distance, fights, betrayal when one feels like to attempt suicide, bruises which after years are still hidden yet intact, friendship dying its own death. I have been lucky enough to know how can I be real in love, I found someone who himself called his love for me as platonic to escape commitment (sounds weird now), how love can give so much of strength to be best version of ourselves. I have seen love closely, have got burnt with its overdose. As much assertiveness love brought that much uncertainty it made me experience.
Overrated Valentine’s day gets to be celebrated in each corner around. Real reason which involves St. Valentine is known to hardly any and its great that at least for the sake of love in this world a day has been established to remind LOVE, love. Many of us just need a reason to celebrate and remind ourselves of people who matter. And over noise of it, has started making singles feel miserable and aloof and question self.
Despite having a decent height (as per Indian Standards), fair complexion, honest self, straight forward attitude, financially stable life, a good looking girl as per society around me, I have struggled. I struggled to find that one man who really would stay and love me, no matter what. A lot of times I have entered in the room of doubting myself. And have wanted to believe that there must be something really wrong with me as I see so many perfect social couples and I keep failing to find one fitment in my life. Sometimes I tell myself that may be I am a defective piece created by God. And those who say “Love without expectations”, in real that doesn’t happen. One sided Love may have no expectations, however love relationship would definitely have expectations , may be small little ones but would surely have.
One day a childhood friend told me in a friendly way “you are difficult to afford for many”. And I wanted to know the details when he told me that “You have seen the world, experienced so many ups and downs personally and professionally, have known men and women, there are just few humans who get to see or have interest to see that much and it is difficult to afford such people as they have standards”. I smiled, then laughed and then felt proud. He added “You are amazing and out of reach, even to think.” And I wondered if what he was telling was real. To be honest I am yet to do anything in life which can make me feel proud. I feel I have been living a life in the best of my capacity and want more to explore and learn each day. And in almost a decade all I seek in the other person is genuine human with kindness, concern, care, love and respect. Rest everything came secondary. I wonder sometimes if its real a task to find one true love ?
And in this process what I have found the hardest is to love myself. May be its not even practical to love ourselves all the while because there are times when we break, we get surrounded by so much despair and challenges that even the strongest part of us starts giving up. As wisdom strikes I get to understand that knowing when we are happy and when we are unhappy needs awareness of ourselves. It’s okay to feel sad, cry, complain. It’s okay to write long notes about what hurt us the most, call someone at the middle of night and cry out. What’s not okay is to accept the pain, what’s not okay is to get defeated, what’s not okay is to not talk about what you are going through, what’s is not okay is to take wrong treatment from other person. There are so many of us who are having a mundane routine and even an unhappy state becomes a routine for them. ‘Life aisi hi hoti hai’ I have heard from some living such life.
Our lives and imagination mostly are inspired by Bollywood and Hollywood movies. Prince charming or Beautiful Princess is often imagined as a perfection coming to our lives. And in this journey we often get to give the other person so much that we miss to get and we start losing ourselves.
Loving self includes treating self right, prioritizing self and giving self all it needs from fit health to a perfect date, we deserve all. Often we confine ourselves and wait for the right person to give love, forgetting that the time and moment never comes back. All we have is right here, in this moment.
One day my Ophthalmologist told me that she went to a girls college and had a lecture session, there a girl questioned her “why is it difficult to find a partner for an independent woman?” She said “Because she would only settle for the true one.” This conversation often knock my wandering mind and I ask myself “which one was true love I gave and received?” And I get to understand what’s true would never leave. It just was, is and will be. Its simple.
-Shruti
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